... xoxo ...

I am really trying to change my outlook regarding...
At least I have found Gods plan in pieces of it,
now if only I could discover the rest.

Please don't say we're done
When I'm not finished
I could give so much more
Make you feel, like never before
Welcome, they said welcome to the floor

It's been a while
And you've found someone better
But I've been waiting too long to give this up
The more I see, I understand
But sometimes, I still need you

Sometimes, I still need you

It probably really is wrong of me to be waiting around.
I'm glad we're still friends tho, I can get by on that
:/

Sprained

I seek happiness.
To be your happiness -
To cause your smile.
I love you more than anything,
Even though...
Just know that.

In life I am always just more into it than the other party, thats why i always get duped?

Five things:

[1] So I started working my second job this week and i really love it so far. =] The kids are just killing me with their cutness! Really! And even when they whine and throw tantrams its like... so uncute, but at the same time I want to giggle at how dramatic they are. Nap time is a blessing, when we can get them all to sleep lol i relly love it though, i'm already attached to these Babies, it's ridiculous how fast they can work into your heart. <3

[2] I really dont like what is happening to the money i've saved for mannings, it's getting smaller and smaller... and its starting to make me panic. I mean, thats my future and I want it to be within reach, not years away. why does living have to be so bloody expensive!?

[3] Thinking about the transition from the bookstore to the daycare is... depressing. i wish i could do both and still have a life! =/ but the hours conflict anyways so...

[4] I go through relizations about life like all the time, and i swing between a few. Get on a high and then drop back to the other and have conflicting feelings. But right now the realization is good, and i think it's going to stay because this one feels like a God thing and those are always the ones that work. So i have a new plan, about waiting it out and just being real until than. I think it could work, i pray it will. God's timing has been better than mine in every situation. So i'm just going to wait... as long as i must.

[5] So this conversation the other day. It really helped. "I don't get why I get duped like this all the time. I dont think it's normal." "It isn't." "Than whats the deal why am I always being duped? Whats my problem?" "I think that the problem... isn't really a problem. It's actually really nice for everyone, except you. You have a huge capcacity to love, and you love these people in your life, you care about them, more than what they are expecting to be loved by anyone. You just love them more than they are used too, more than most people have the ability to love. So to you, it's like no one loves you at the same intensity that you love them. But really they probably love you more than they love most people in their life. You just cant see that, because you are able to love more than they are. You feel like you have more love in the friendship or relationship but it's probably equaly maxxed out on both of your love capacities. Also, some people dont know how to show it, whereas you make a point to be sure everyone knows how much you care. So it's not a problem. Not for anyone you love it isn't, we all feel blessed."

xoxo

i'm getting lost in your curls
i'm drawing pictures on your skin
So soft it twirls
I <3 Animal Collective

You mean that much to me, and it's hard to show

I'm Learning A Lot About Timing. =]
I'm Learning About Love.
I'm Learning About True Joy.
And A Bit About Adulthood.
I'm Learning About So Much,
So Much.
And I Love It.
xoxo

Great Quotes that have been waiting to be posted:

“You’re grounded.”
“…Why?”
“Because you were in the dark with a boy! No. Because you fell in a hole.”

“Hey! Heyy! Do you like apples?”
“What kind of apples?”

“Dang it. Sorry Manda, we have to take the fireworks back to the car.”

“You know. You can’t ever really be in the middle of nowhere, because nowhere is always someplace. So you’re in the middle of someplace.”

“Thanks for being you.”

“Want me to beat him up?”
“No. what I want is for you to shoot him.”

“Yes dad, every guy I talk to is my boyfriend.”

“Isn’t the apocalyptic the zombie invasion?”
“No, that’s when Jesus is coming back.”
“Nooo, that’s the rapture.”

“kjdfhgihdfgjkhndskjfgh”
“What did he just say?”
“…Heck if I know. Just smile, that seems to be what he wants.”

“Which way do we go?”
“Not that way! It looks rather sketchy.”

*Comes out wearing my graduation gown*
“This is the worst.”
“I want you to wear it whenever you leave the house.”

“Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars, I could really use a wish right now.”

“You disappeared like huddiney .“

“I walk around the mud. But they, they walk through it.”

“Who makes a one laned bridge.”
“People, like a million years ago.”
“Wow. Than they actually did pretty good.”

“Oh my gosh. I want you to marry him!”

“Did he die?”

“Hey! Your flashlights off!”
“…You just now noticed.”

And the best bit of advice I have gotten in a long while
“Pray for what you desire, but pray that whatever the outcome is you’d both end up ahead with each other for support. Whether it goes to your plan or not, pray you’ll be ok.”
Sometimes it’s hard to think like that. In fact I spend so much time praying for what I want, and I freak out when it doesn’t come out to my liking, that it never occurred to me that I should pray for both options of the possible outcome.

Ape Cavesss, Cupcakesss, Lispsss

I went to the ape caves with Mitchum the other day. Best of times. =] So, we walked both the short passage and the long. It s not like it’s a difficult trek so much, but I am beyond sore. Lol I blame it on that gap between the boulder piles that I fell down. It was totally worth it though =] “Turn on the lights!”


“People are like plants.”
“Explain that logic?”
“Some are flowers. And some are weeds.”



Yay us! lol

An older post i'm just now posting, still applies.

So, life is an up and down roller coaster, but right now… this moment, I am more than stable. Here’s what’s been up, and what’s upcoming. I suppose this is randomness:
• Stress of high school, stress of college. High school has me more stressed, which is bizarre. I have been so cut off from it for such a time that I forget I’m in it. Than something comes up and it’s like, oh SNAP. Lol this is just life though, I take it as it comes and goes.
• My faith is becoming less and less of a learned thing, and more and more of an experienced thing. And this is beginning to delight me. =]
• I didn’t let a particular… eh… event, get to me this time. And it makes me beam with happiness. It’s a first for this to not floor me, and I believe this is a good thing.
• There was a mallard duck outside of receiving at work a few days back… random. I think it was Gods way of giving our day a bit of comical relief. =] I mean really. A duck?
• I’m feeling good ;]
• “Jackie, you really should have come to the classical concert. It was so much fun.” (prior to going to the concert mind) lol sorry love, but that was priceless.
• The zoo with my bestest friends. And I my second family. Xoxoxo I love you!
• Deep conversations with Ricky. Lol or maybe just, complex… eh, brain hurting convos.
• Nate morphing into “big brother” mode, I have to admit it pleased me a little. Lol
• IMOGEN HEAP! (upcoming)
• Discovering that I have another option.
• A delightful day of companionship with Mitchum. It makes me so happy to have it… work like that parse? So comfortably.
• My bro and sis reminding me what it is to love and why it’s worth it. Talking me through things in a way that I need dominate in my life. Their advice outdoes all else. Love you Princess and David! Xoxo
• Having things planned for me, meh, its not always a bad thing… ?
• The realization that if you fall hard, I’ll fall harder.
• New friends, and reconnecting with old ones.
• Opportunities. Thank you Jesus for those.
• Being peeved at people who are rude, than laughing at their arrogance and brushing it off.
• When ya’ called me Manda, it warmed my heart. =]
• Brie love, I MISS her. But we get to go to the beach overnight all by ourselves this summer, blessed much!?
• Not dropping the bar. If I could never be more than your friend than why the heck would I wanna casually date you. For serious.
• Reaching stable ground. It’s about time, and this time I won’t kiss it’s surface, but rather take a few steps ahead to where it won’t easily cave back in again.

This is Free

I’m beginning to think that maybe, maybe, “to love” is not just to love what is before you, but also the past, and the future. It could be to hold all of that. And count it all as precious.
Just a thought.

Forgo The Parable

I find it strange, how a person can be with someone and breakup repeatedly, yet still remain so attached. Both are to blame at one point or another, mutual wrongs all just keep building between them yet they maintain an ongoing relationship somehow. And times come where they’re both to hurt and confused to look each other in the eye. Times when one reaches out, and the other has moved on to someone new, where lasting or no they’re going to learn something. The other wonders, ‘is this it?’ But like I said it’s an ongoing cycle, a constant hot and cold. And I believe this continues until they either make it to a breaking point, where they can’t risk it one more time, because it will result in nothing. Or until one finds what they were looking for in the other person all along, but it’s found in someone else. And strangest of all is either way they know they loved each other, that there’s always a love for the memories, good and bad, they’re all precious, beautiful memories. Hopeless romantic? Well that’s plausible. In the end, your still very lovable, your happiness is mine. And more than anything I want to see you go, take a glorious bite of the whole world.

Way To Be A Bummer

You dont know me, you dont know me at all.
You made me cry. Because I'm emotional, and you're mean.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
So there.
P.S. You know I'll always love you, but right now I just dont like you.

You complete me

My cousin Annie posted this pic of her daddy and mum (uncle Cory and aunt kellie, and it teared me up some. Its so him, with his big smile regardless of the obvious pain he's feeling. On the bright side he is on the mend, there are complications, but he's alive and improving.

So, I'm finding that some friends are just a joy, and just being around them brightens my entire day. xoxoxo
this is silly but I just found the sheet music for "United States of Eurasia" (Muse). And i am SO excited! Which is pretty ridiculos seeing how my piano skills are horridly weak still. But now that I have the sheet music i'm promising myself i wont stop with piano until i can play this song. =] it could take years...

Twang

So over the last few months i have messed some things up major. I seem to just be going through the motions without the zeal, the excitment, the joy, that i had always had in the past. What a waste. Time to snap out of it, time to start again. So now I appreciate the things i had before, desire the relationships I had. Things were so much better, I just stopped and that set me on a crash course. I'm gonna refocuse, and be me again.

I am perfectly uncertain.

With so much going on in the past two weeks I believe this will be a lengthy blog. A lot of blessings, and a lot of pain.

First of all, I was able to go see Muse and Silverson Pickups in Portland. Best. Concert. Ever. =] I could truly talk about it for hours. It’s like the whole world - outside of those who attended the concert – missed something… essential. The entire show was stunning, Muse had it all; great stage presence, epic lineup, audience interaction, nice blend of vocals and instruments, and their screens were… gasp worthy! I cannot wait till they come back to town. If I were rich, I would stalk them across country.

Also, my classes at clark thus far have been interesting. I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle the 18 credits… but I really like that I have lots of friends in each class. And I believe I’m building lasting relationships here. A funny thing is that the guy from bag check who always does the whole”family heirloom, survived the holocauste, hug my bag please” thing, well he is in my finite math class. Haha so that whould be fun.

hahaha and Dawn today. "theres a rubberband on your head." "... its a headband." "it looks like a rubber band." lol =]

A somewhat bitter sweet relization is: “I can tell just what you want: you don’t want to be alone.” Two door cinema club, I believe they just read my freaking mind.

Now for the horrid things as of late. My Nanny (great grandma) passed away. This is kinda bitter sweet. She had been saying as of late, “I just wanna go home to Jesus.” And I know she’s now in Heaven with Poppy (great grandpa) and Jesus, she has a new body that’s perfect, so she wont have to hurt anymore. And though I miss her, and I want her here with me, I wouldn’t wish her back, knowing that she’s never been happier than she is now. She was a beautiful woman, the most devoted Christian I have ever known, and Nanny was a real example to me of unconditional love. I was her “Pixie” her “little smiley face” and the last things she told me are “You’re cute. You’re just so cute. You were a cute baby, and you’re a cute lady. You’re funny, but you’re cute.” And, “There’s that smile, that smile has only ever left you’re face once. I’d think it would maybe hurt your face smiling like that.” I miss her a lot, a whole lot, but I have beautiful memories, and the undoubtable knowledge I’ll see her again.

Also, my uncle Cory, his neck broke when a limb fell and hit him at work. He was life flighted to Seattle for surgery. I don’t know any details because this happened just yesterday, but he just got out of sergery today. I believe it was vertibray 4 5 and 6 that were broken. Mom and I went straight to grandma’s to be with her and uncle cory’s kids. My cousins are so… grown up, they were handling it like real troopers (twins age ten, annika and Kenny, and older sis courtny). They aren’t ok, but they are trying desperately to be. My prayers are with them and my aunt and uncle.

Through these things though, I know it is all part of Gods plan, I wont even pretend to understand it, but it always becomes clear eventually. I have the security it will all be fine, I just have to hold close to God’s promises, and I feel immediate calm/reassurance.

Jeremiah 29:11, “’for I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘they are plans for good and not for disaster to give you a hope and a future.’”

One thing I have noticed is that in a boyfriend/spouse, and even a friend, I need someone to understand. Who will… hold my feelings in high regards? Over the past few weeks, while watching my family and friends cope, I learned that if one really and truly cares, they’ll take the time to contemplate your pain. And maybe not tell you the bad things in a text or a voicemail, or even a phone call. Certain things they’ll grasp the pain it will inflict, and they’ll wait to tell you until they can share in that, perhaps not even by crying with you, but maybe just hold you without fear of your tears.

anywayyys, peace out loves!xoxoxoxo

Zooey Deschanel

She is my favorite woman of fame. I hope someday (after saving for Mannings) i can encapture her amazing style in my own wardrobe... someday. =]

You,

are like crack to me. And that... is not healthy.

Dont Stop

"To die by your side, is such a heavenly way to die." - The Smiths
LOVE. THAT. SONG.
--->
<---

Party Saturday was awesome! Thanks all you people who made it, so glad you could come! Here are some memories that were made:

“Oh look an exit, lets go in! Just kidding!” *keeps going in* “Lets do it again!” *Leaves through the entrance*

Wandering through Target, messing with mirrors, sticker books, piggy banks, and touts. Apparently I would be a “Awful look out.” Ouch lol not the nicest thing clayton and Andrew have said to me lol

Argued for… well a long time, with Ricky that he CAN NOT quit. Lol really though, it’s the worst. And he won’t listen to my incredibly good reason lol

Hanging out after the movie, I just wasn’t myself… haha *Shrug*

Clayton rear ending brie and I, multiple times at stop lights the dork lol. And they didn’t notice brie and I doing a very naughty childish thing lol

Heidi smashing a fly in our nachos… am I really gonna eat that now? Lol heck no.

Our weird names, “Birfday girl” “Corts” “Claytopia” “Dungeon Master” and “drew dog” lol

I may have bowled before the lane was ready… and gotton the ball stuck in the pin machine…

“Whoa…” “We look alike” “Like we are brothers who have never met.” Lol and then when Kelsie sees them, “Oh are you two brothers?” hahahaha

Mitch brought me an energy drink, and it nearly killed me. Lol I embarrassed myself all night after drinking it shaking/twitching and being horridly scatterbrained and random (even more than usual). So, “since they are still your friends after seeing that than I’d say they’re keepers” lol. So I was up till three shaking and my whole body hurt… no more energy drinks for me. EVER.


Seeing friends again that I miss hanging out with daily.

“A GARGOYLE!”

The lady who freaked about having your feet on the back of the seat, AND IT WASN’T EVEN HER SEAT! Lol she stared down Mitch and scolded me… I mean realllly, someone was uptight. Goshhh

Me and brie “Is that Zac Efron!?”

Kelsie asking me if my parents would be ok with Ricky giving me wine, she’s such a sweet heart. =] and that wine, I will be having this weekend lol

Only little ppl can jump on a person’s back and have it end well lol, there is a size limit. Just saying.

There are numerous other moments but we can just keep them to ourselves haha. Lots of love to each of you! You are like sunshine in my sky! Xoxoxox Manda

It Is Me After All

Five Things:
*I had a miserable weekend spent in outbursts of tears, the kind that last until you sob tearless then get sick. Not my best weekend. What caused the rainfall? Seven credits. That’s right, I am just 7 elective credits away from my AA. *Misery* it wouldn’t be that bad if it wasn’t for having to get my AA before I can go to Mannings. And that the cost of summer quarter is going to put me back another year before I can start Mannings. I was just 6 months away! SIX MONTHS!!! And now. Well it is no bueno.

*I realized that sometimes you don’t want advice or for a person to try talking you through/fixing something or justifying it in some way… but sometimes you just want them to listen and tell you they’re sorry and that they know - that they promise you – it will be ok. Maybe not today, maybe not even soon, but that it will be. The one individual who did this for me – you know who you are - thank you so much, you’re a blessing.

*It’s annoying when people date just so that they can be in a relationship/have someone. Relationships like that are just flings and using people… I don’t approve.

*I had two “kill me now moments” in the past week for speaking without thinking. One with my dad, one with a coworker. Like the “I’m so embarrassed can I just run away and let us forget about this” embarrassed. Not cool. I must learn to think before speaking and maybe take a good look around before blurting out something just because I’m in a hyper mood.

*The truth is I want to end the whole wondering thing and take a risk… and just force myself to deal with the consequences. But they could cost too much, and I promised myself I never would again… So I have to just wait longer still and keep my hopes high and expectations low. The current bliss in the said togetherness will have to be enough. For now at least.

Play The Lead

Listening to: Sick Muse - Metric
Life is a beautiful thing right now. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. You ever feel sometimes, like you're heart is so happy that your body cant possibly contain it? Well thats how mine feels right now. =] Its not that everything is going RIGHT or how i WANT it too... but i'm content with how things are. It's all just OK and LIVABLE, things falling into place to possibly shape my future more than i ever thought they would. I guess it's just hard to put into words.
Mannings is forthcoming =] i can not wait, i just really want to learn and be comfortable when people ask me to cut, color, or style their hair. It's exciting! And idk... but it will be nice to get my fingers in some peoples hair and not have it be like a weird thing lol. I am going to give brie a purple streak underneath her hair as soon as she gets the color, and last weekend i colored sarahs a strawberry blonde, she looks so pretty =].
Oh! My weekend everyone! *gasp* It was epic! =] I spent thursday through sunday at sarah and davids. i love those to times a million! I played tons of video games with david, and sarah and i went to like four different bookstores in one day =]. Its so wonderful to get to spend time with them, i dont get to often enough. And Friday, =] I FINALLY got to hang out with one of my favorite people who i DONT get to see often enough. We went out to coffee (Chai soy no water tea with nutmeg on top YUMMY!), went shopping at westfield (I love that he is just as discombobulated as me becuase otherwise he would be annoyed at how spacy i can be lol), watched Avatar (EVERYTHING lights up! O_0), went to panera bread for dinner, and then to Sarah and Davids for awhile. It was great! =] I was a little bit suprised at how easy/relaxed it was and that made me super happy.
Monday i spent a couple hours with Corbz and Brie, =] I must say i LOVE how they team up on me... which is weird. but it's one of those things where you know they are doing it because they love you so much =]. "I SAW YOU AT PROM!" "You can... thinnnk about holding hands." lol I love them =]
so life is wonderful, i have the most divine assosiations, and possibilities out there. Life is... a cupcake! =]
Eternal love to each of you =] xoxoxoxoxo

Yay You!

I went to Portland with jake and guess what!?! It was AMAZING!!!! XD I have decided that i really love 23rd street and that it is a place i want to go ALL THE TIME! haha it was a blast! Brie and i got into a mess at the "lush" store though... we saw this glittery gold soap and picked it up in awe... it dusted us throughly in glitter or as Jake called it "stripper dust" lol. thankfully i was able to wash most of mine off since i hadnt touched my clothes. I did throw a lot of it at brie though :) cuz i love her! :)
here are five of my favorite things:
1. GLITTER and SPARKLES! lol I got new purple nailpolish, and it glitters. soooo SPOOL! [lol ;)]
2. Stickers, they are fun to stick on people! i wore a "press" sticker that Jake put on me all day and kept getting poked, and ricky brenda and I started a "gang" and all wore huge staples stickers on our backs. then today Jameson and i had a sort of sticker war. lol
3. Mascara, oh goodness do i love it.
4. Purple hair! i got my hair colored with a purple tint, and i REALLY like it. =] like REALLY. lol
5. Singing Obnoxiously in the car, oh yes that i like! =]
friday through sunday are gonna be the best! =]

Weekend Ending.

listening to: my own awkward heartbeart.
gahhh forget being a pro at avoiding awckwardness! lol i suck at it!
this weekend will be simply thrilling! heres whats on the agenda:
friday:
- a day of school and work!
- daddy's birthday!
- get the hw done so i have MORE free time for enjoyment!
saturday:
- shopping in portland with brie love, jake, and michela! i am sooooo happy for this!!! XD
- dinner at sarah and davids for the birthday trio!
- spend the night with my lovely sis and bro!
sunday:
- church at compass! =]
- mommy's birthday! (will make her something tasty to eat!)
- probably lunch and such with the family before going home
monday:
- Re's birthday!
- CHUCK!!!
- probably other lovelys before having to return to school.
so this is what i THINK will be going down! =]
peace out lovelys! eternal love to you all!
xoxoxoxoxo
"bye Amamda" - jameson on his special pa system! SCARED ME TO DEATH! lol but i didnt jump in front of his car!!!! =]

Everyone Would Love Us!

Listening to: Run my mouth – Ra Ra Riot

Enjoyable/Strange moments in life lately:

“What if I told you that we are all just ants with cell phones? Think metaphorically.” – Some guy at bag check. What is the answer people!?! It bugs me that he never explained! lol

“It’s you! It has to be you! This hasn’t happened in forever then one day with you and it starts again!” – Jameson haha

A couple hours worth of scenarios and options of what I do in certain situations with zombies. Haha Ricky and I are sure to continue it! And wow, I just realized I don’t even really know what a zombie is supposed to be. “It’s a dead person that walks like this i=!” =]

“I’m on an orange diet. I can only eat things that are orange… orange starbursts… and goldfish!” – Jake, haha no we don’t judge him.

Belly dancing gear came in and of course as always we had a ceremonial belly dancing event… if you could call it that. Lol

“How do I get to the white house from here?” - Yet another strange man during rush week. =]

“Hug my bag please? Remember it’s a family heirloom that survived the holocaust when my grandfather didn’t. I know grandfather would be proud that it was held in the arms by a girl like you if only for a moment.” – Oh wow. Lol crazy! He did this last quarter too!

"Yeah i gotta love him but in an unhealthy way. I swear he'd just get me pregnant than leave. And honestly i'm not a fan of that idea."



Avoiding awkward situation, I’ve become a master at this! [I like to think so at least=]]

Anyways, =]] as always eternal love to you all! Peace out!

a thought

Here's a thought...
give me feed back guys;
so i am definatly going to do the 1,600 hours [11 months] at mannings to become licensed in hair... but they also offer a 600 hour course [4 months] to learn skin care/makeup... should i do both? i cant do them at the same time though which is the bummer... but what do you all think?

Epic Words [Or Something lol]

Disregard the title, it was put there to misslead you =].
Clark has begun again, and it has been so very insane, but a whole ton of fun too! =]
Oh and I have a hero, and he has a heroine. ;] lol